Things Jesus Never Said

"Well done my good and successful servant!" 

"Follow me only when you understand completely what I'm doing and absolutely know where you're going." 

"Suffering and evil are pretty simple to understand and explain if you're smart enough." 

 "You're right! If you were more like them, I would love you more!"

 "Believers should never doubt."

"I'm vegan." 

"Blessed are the debaters and arguers, for theirs is the Kingdom of Rightness." 

"All dogs go to heaven and all women stay at home." 

"Vengeance is yours."

 "If you can just figure the One Big Thing you're supposed to do, you'll arrive at the Perfect Faith that all the real saints have."

"Science is silly." 

"To truly know how great my love is for you, you must constantly remember how terrible your life would be without My Awesomeness. And if you forget, I'll remind you what a worm you were." 

"Tolerate your neighbor as you tolerate yourself."

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am wild at heart." 

"People reap what they sow, and sometimes you need to be the reaper."

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, vote Republican." 

"All authority in heaven and earth has been given to Me. Therefore go and get as many people as possible wearing my T-shirts and singing my songs." 

"By this will all people know you are my disciples, if you can articulate the mysteries of God better than those people."

"My followers will all look the same and sound the same and smell the same throughout all of History." 

"Before I heal you, what have you done to deserve this healing?" 

"Loving your enemies means rooting for them to get theirs." 

"But small is the heart and narrow-minded the road that leads to life, and only the stubborn find it." 

"If you are really good wheat, you will spend most of your time looking for weeds and trying to pull them out with all your might." 

"PCs? Muhahaha! God only uses Macs." 

"Whoever would be my disciple must vehemently deny any other version of following Christ other than their own." 

"I like to take long walks on the beach, carrying really heavy church people through all the drama in their lives." 

 "Therefore, whoever is the most cynical is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven."

"Great leaders don't wash feet, they surround themselves with feet-kissers." 

"The true worshippers will worship the Father in Hymns and Hillsong." 

"I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands." 

"If you're born in America, you should feel very guilty when you enjoy life." 

"What are those called? Crocs? Where can I get a pair?" 

"Can I be your co-pilot?" 

"For God so needed more glory for Himself that He forced His Son to pay for the ridiculously worthless humans' debt so that whichever of His chosen few were forced to understand His meticulous theology about Himself would not be destroyed in unmitigated wrath, but would be able to experience an everlasting life of discovering His preordained decisions for their lives."