Church Kids Riot Over Mediocre VBS Theme

GREER, SC- Nine adults from Trinity Baptist Church are in stable condition after sustaining second degree burns during a riot at their annual Vacation Bible School.

“We thought we’d surprise the kids this year by doing our own theme,” said Becky Snyder, children’s director at Trinity. “It did not go well.”

“Pure horror,” said seven year old Dakota Dillon. “It was even worse than the Australian year when all our dads tried to talk like Crocodile Dundee.” 

“We centered on ‘truth’ as our key concept,” said Kelly Trenton, the worship leader of VBS. “We rewrote the words to Nothing Compares to U by Sinead O’Connor and named the whole theme ‘Nothing Compares to Truth.’ We knew it was slow but thought the power of the lyrics would draw the kids in.”

The team not only selected a slower theme song, but also opted to play off the phrase “the truth is plain to see” for their color scheme, which required no decorating of the church’s beige walls.

“Every year we look forward to a garish display of primary colors, but all we got this year was the khaki of absolute truth,” said Ariana Wilson, a 3rd grader. “What are our parents even tithing here for?”

The theme and color scheme didn’t connect but it was the plain as truth snacks of rice cakes and saltine crackers that incited the riots.

“After enduring the six minute theme song and a craft lacking popsicle sticks, we lost our junk at snack time,” said Connor Watkins, a 5th grader.

“The older kids started ripping heads off puppets,” said four year old Ethan Jacoby. “I treaded water in the baptistery until the EMS workers arrived.”

“We destroyed a piñata with our bare hands,” added Watkins. “It was filled with tiny hard candies that tasted like plastic.”

“It wasn’t a piñata,” said Snyder. “It was a stuffed black and white cow we called True Moo.”

The nine adults received their burns trying to win back the stash of glitter from a group of second graders armed with glue guns.

Eventually order was restored when the pastor’s wife arrived dressed as a clown and carrying trays of brightly colored finger jello.

Lacking enough volunteers, Snyder was forced to shut down the rest of the week. “We’re really bummed about it. The last night the kids were going to take lie detector tests with a real live lawyer. Would’ve been such a blast.”

--Matt O.

Christian Scientist Discovers True Cause of Climate Change

Hello friends,

The reclusive journalist Annabelle Farrow ended her extended media silence this week by emailing me her most recent interview, conducted in secret at an undisclosed location…

(If you’re unfamiliar with Annabelle’s work, click here)

Here's the email she sent me:

Dear Matt,

Apologies for not contacting you sooner, will explain later. With all the talk these days about the environment, I thought you might appreciate this interview. The subject is Michael Chaud, a man whose Christian faith dramatically impacts his work as a scientist. Enjoy.

Wondering,

A. Farrow

Here is the transcript of the interview, printed in its entirety:

Annabelle Farrow (AF): Good morning, Michael—

Michael Chaud (MC): It’s Doctor.

AF: Apologies. Good morning, Dr. Chaud.

MC: Good morning to you. Thanks for granting me this interview. Anytime I can expose Christian science to the world, I leap at the opportunity.

AF: Let’s start there then. Many today feel that science and faith are in opposition to each other, that each has their own agenda and they can’t coexist together without one of them sacrificing their integrity.

MC: That’s a common fallacy, Annabelle. My faith influences everything I do in the laboratory.

AF: I see. Tell me what you’ve been studying in your labs.

MC: We’re very excited to report that we’ve figured out the cause of global warming.

AF: I’m pretty sure the causes have already been documented.

MC: Yes, by SECULAR scientists. We’re CHRISTIAN scientists.

AF: From your website info, I gathered your team was reluctant to agree that climate change was real.

MC: We’re reluctant to agree with secular science, for sure. How can you trust the same people that spend decades of their time landing satellites on moving comets halfway across the universe? The facts are undeniable. Our climate is heating up.

AF: It’s great to hear you state that clearly. Do you believe humans are the primary cause?

MC: Yes. And no.

AF: And no?

MC: Humans are responsible, but only the pagan ones.

AF: Are you saying Christians haven’t played a role in climate change?

MC: Yes.

AF: But christians drive cars too, and own factories, and—

MC: I don’t think those things are the cause.

AF: But scientific studies have shown—

MC: Again, secular science. They aren’t believers so you can’t trust their work.

AF: But we trust “pagan doctors” with delivering our babies. And “worldly mechanics” to fix our cars, don’t we?

MC: Sure. But they don’t have an agenda. Secular scientists have an agenda. They want to disprove God exists.

AF: That hardly seems like something you can apply the scientific method to.

MC: Nonetheless. That’s what they spend all their time doing.

AF: Doctor, what do you believe is causing climate change?

MC: Natural gas emissions.

AF: But some Christians use natural gas…

MC: No, I mean human produced natural gas.

AF: Are you talking about flatulence?

MC: Yes ma’am. Gas. Toots. Fluffs. Farts. Skunkbait. Booty coughs. Butt trumpets. Wind eggs. Barking spiders. Mud ducks. Air biscuits. Whatever you wanna call ‘em. They’re the cause.

AF: But…you do know that Christians pass gas as well?

MC: Of course we do. But our toots have been redeemed. Look, we totally understand talking about our natural gasses may make people feel uncomfortable, but we can’t just ignore truth because it’s not what we want to hear. 

AF: Let’s start at the beginning. I want to hear your scientific progression to this startling conclusion.

MC: Yes! The beginning! That’s where we started too! In the beginning, in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were instructed not to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but when they did, everything changed. We believe that prior to their act of sin, human fluffs actually smelled good, probably like vanilla Christmas trees. The Fall is responsible for the stench created by our natural gas.

AF: There’s no way for you to know that.

MC: Not if we assume the fruit is an apple, as is commonly depicted. But what if the tree was actually a tall bush, because the garden is only like two weeks old and wouldn’t have had time to grow a full tree capable of producing an apple to eat…but a bush, of beans perhaps, that would be possible. And as we all know, the more of beans you eat, the more you toot.

AF: Are you referencing a children’s rhyme?

MC: Certainly. The magical fruit! Those songs contain many truths hidden in them. It makes sense and the science is solid! All of nature changed with the act of eating the forbidden beans. From that moment on, our fallen farts began to gather in the ozone. Think about it. Where does passed gas go? Using Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics, we know it just doesn't disappear. The cloud of corrupted methane has reached a critical mass, and we’re just now feeling the true effects of our sins.

AF: You seem to be using the Scriptures conveniently for your theories.

MC: Not at all. There are allusions to the truths of our theories all through the Bible. From the prophet Amos speaking of the stench in pagan nostrils, to the book of Revelation, where everything smells like sulfur, and then burns up, because why? Methane is highly flammable. Bowls of wrath could be a play on words with BOWELS of wrath. But most importantly, traditionally we’ve said that Jesus would come back ON the clouds, but in the Greek it could be translated THROUGH the clouds, which makes sense in our hypothesis. 

AF: I’m not sure about that take.

MC: You should be. I clearly said, “in the Greek.”

AF: So what kind of research have you done to validate your theories?

MC: Our experiments are named the Gerber Jar Collections.

AF: Gerber jar collections?

MC: Yes. We collected samples of human produced methane over the course of one exhaustive weekend. Participants in the experiment camped out at a Golden Corral and were instructed to eat only stewed cabbage and boiled broccoli. In between gorge sessions, they were asked to pop their fluffies into lab-approved glass jars.

We used Gerber jars because they kept the ‘flavor’ in the best, too much sample leakage with your traditional collection devices such as Kool Whip containers and Tupperware.

After receiving all the data, we extrapolated the concentration of pagan gas against a strict statistical analysis of all unsaved people groups since the book of Genesis. We based our model of the damned by measuring the popular beliefs of those cultures against the most widely accepted doctrinal statements posted on the websites of today’s most influential churches. It became clear that the unchecked pattern of vile gasses by unrepentant humanity caused our current predicament.

AF: That sounds kind of science-y. Have any of your scientific peers reviewed and approved your work?

MC: If you mean secular peers, they’re welcome to review it as long as they don’t come in with their agenda of disproving God’s existence.

AF: How will you know if they come in with that agenda?

MC: If they disagree with our results. 

AF: From what you’ve said earlier, I imagine they’ll disagree that Christians have toots that don't smell.

MC: It’s tough for prideful humans to come to grips with their own stink. Another result of the Fall.

AF: So does that mean that only non-Christians participated in the Gerber Jar Collections?

MC: We’re not sure. But the main thing is our test cases at the Golden Corral were all eating a very secular diet.

AF: How are vegetables a secular diet?

MC: Because it’s very popular and quite the fad these days to eat healthy. The pagan world is constantly shoving new diets and new nutritional statistics in our faces. They’ve made idols of their protein shakes and their Ninja blenders. Christians used to taste and see that the Lord was good, with our casseroles, our carbohydrates and whatnot. But so many of us have been duped into following the wisdom of the world.

AF: Eating healthy is the wisdom of the world?

MC: If it’s from the world and has the appearance of so-called wisdom, then yes, it qualifies as worldly wisdom. Which Paul strictly forbids in 1 Corinthians and elsewhere.

AF: What about Daniel and his comrades who seem to have been vegetarian?

MC: Ah yes, you see, that’s the point. They were being counter-cultural and obedient to God, and thus their food became blessed and sanctified. It’s when we follow the pagan deities of the Food Network, masquerading as angels of culinary light that our choices become evil and our gas turns on us.

AF: So if a bunch of pagan people extol the virtues of a specific food, it would be worldly of us to eat it?

MC: Exactly. And consequently make us bad stewards of the environment because we’d be committing heinous acts of gassery. Take for example, kale. According to our best estimates, fallen humanity now registers a solid 7.8 on the rectum scale since the introduction of the supposed super lettuce.

AF: Assuming I agree with your approach to science—

MC: You have to! People who say they’re Christians have to believe other people who say they’re Christians.

AF: —and assuming I agree with your lab results, what do you and your fellow Christians recommend we do about climate change?

MC: First of all, pagans need to repent, which will cause a dramatic dip in the stank factor of natural gasses, which will in turn, curb the rate of increase in global temperatures.

As for those of us who already have glorified air biscuits, we recommend guarding your large intestine and keeping it holy by avoiding healthy fruits and vegetables, at least while it’s still en vogue culturally.

We recommend substituting non-gassy nutritionally equivalent foods for the ones that give you the poofers. Instead of a bowl of grapes, perhaps a medium-sized can of Vienna sausages. That way when Jesus comes back, he won’t find you with your hand in the gluten-free cookie jar. He’s going to fix all this anyways, we just need to look good when he shows up.

AF: Any other words of advice?

MC: Look, it’s just a natural part of biology that the toothless one is going to speak. But we can control what it says. Don’t underestimate the power of a good potluck dinner with your neighbors.

AF: Thanks for your time, Dr. Chaud. By the way, what field did you receive your doctorate in?

MC: The bible college I attended bestowed an honorary doctorate of ministry on me for my extensive years of experience in short-term missions.

AF: So, you’re not really a scientist?

MC: Oh yeah, I am. I needed another job to help ends meet. Everything we do is legitimate. Look us up on Google.

AF: Just because you find something on Google, doesn’t mean it’s true.

MC: We’re on YouTube as well. Thousands of views.

AF: I’m starting to feel queasy.

MC: It’s probably gas.

 

(Notes: Apologies to the folks at BioLogos whose faith and science have been integrated with integrity in regards to both. Gerber is not an official sponsor of this blog. If you're having trouble smelling your own stink, you may want to check here.)

In Prep for Ash Wednesday, Pastor Smokes Carton of Newport Slims

GALAX, VA- A sudden interest in historical church practices has led a local congregation to be without their leader for the beginning of Lent.

It all started when Danny Richards, pastor of Journey Church, discovered a whole new world of holy habits while Googling for sunrise service object lessons. He shared his findings at the next staff meeting.

“I haven’t seen our leaders that pumped in a long time,” said Richards. “Before I could say Mary Magdalene, we added a stations of the cross labyrinth to our Egg Hunt, and Betty Hooper volunteered to swing incense during the cantata!”

Lead soprano Hooper said they’ve learned changes can be both shocking...and valuable. “Last year, our children’s director introduced us to a dozen new fonts, and now our bulletin is the bees knees. This year, it’s Easter we’re going to spice up. As the kids say, this resurrection’s going to be totally rad.”

“I thought the Catholics were wrong about everything,” added member, Rhonda Winters, “but some of this stuff is really neat.”

In addition to the concept of fasting from non-food items, the folks of Journey were most excited about kicking off the Easter season with their first Ash Wednesday. Preparations for the new service, however, hit a major bump in the road yesterday.

“Pastor panicked when he read on Wikipedia that you needed ashes from last year’s Palm Sunday service,” said church secretary Helen Frye. “We usually just let the kids fight with their branches on the playground after the worship. We had no idea they had another use.”

“We needed grey dust, and fast,” said Richards. “So I made an emergency trip to the gas station and bought a carton of Newport Slims. I think the Lord understood. It’s not like I bought lottery tickets.”

He spent the rest of the afternoon puffing cigarette after cigarette by the back door to the Fellowship Hall, collecting the ash in an offering plate. That’s when Frye heard a loud thump.

“I ran outside and there was pastor knocked out on the stairs. A big ole gash in his head. I called 911 and tried to save as many ashes as I could. I didn't want to waste his sacrifice.”

Pastor Richards, hospitalized with a severe concussion, will be sidelined for a few more days, but the new and improved Easter celebration will go on.

“People have rallied together to make this thing happen,” said the youth pastor, Chaz Adkins, the staff person taking Richards’ place in the service. “Most of the women plan to draw circles on their foreheads with black sharpies to give me a target to hit with my finger. It’s just the Body being the Body, man.”

“It’ll still be great,” said the Pastor from his hospital bed. “Nobody’ll remember my smoking accident once they drive up and see the Hosanna Donkey Rides in the parking lot.”

—Matt O.

(For more Matt O. satire click here or to read his satirical book on American Churchianity designed for small group discussion, click here.)

Pastor Forgets He Wrestles Not Against Flesh and Blood, Choke Slams Rogue Deacon 

BUFORD, GA- The monthly Board meetings at Trinity Baptist church had a reputation for being heated, but this past Monday things got out of hand.

According to eyewitnesses, lifetime deacon Bud Wilkins started the trouble during a motion to approve the budget for the upcoming congregational meeting.

“It was the darnedest thing,” said Ken Hobson, head of the finance committee, “Pastor said, ‘all opposed?’ and just before he banged his gavel, Bud yelled out ‘NAY!’”

Pastor John Brooks, a former aspiring professional wrestler, took offense at Bud’s dissent and asked him to clarify.

Hobson says that’s when things escalated. “Bud came right out and said ten thousand dollars for forty new parking spaces was too dang much. Pastor John stood up and his folding chair went flying.”

“I kinda snapped,” said Pastor John. “Usually when I wrestle with the sins of the world, I’m in my prayer closet wearing a solid gold unitard…but when Bud hopped on my last nerve, I went back to my wrestling days. It felt like I took that ole devil hisself by the larynx.”

“Pastor busted out a vintage chokeslam,” said deacon Bobby Rotzberger. “He got him right under the chin. Good height, too, then boom, down on the table. Textbook.” 

Building and grounds deacon, Ron Neely, gave his own spiritual spin on the encounter. “Lift not a hand against the Lord’s anointed. Well, Bud did…and the Lord’s anointed lifted him up and brought him down. Hard.” 

Police were called to the scene but when it was clear the eight foot folding table had taken most of the force and prevented serious injury, Bud Wilkins declined to press charges. He’s still praying about forgiving his shepherd, however.

“It wouldn't have been so bad if Pastor hadn't whooped and straddled my head as he made a championship belt sign,” said Wilkins. 

Not surprisingly, the deacons weren’t unanimous on whether or not violence was an acceptable method of dealing with issues.

“The Apostle Paul is a little fuzzy on the specifics of spiritual warfare,” said Hobson. “Who says the fiery darts of the evil one aren’t just contrary people?”

“Jesus of Nazareth flipped tables in a temple. Pastor John of Trinity chokeslammed a deacon in a board meeting. I think we’re talking holy apples to holy apples here,” added Rotzberger.

--Matt O.

(For more Matt O. satire click here or to read his satirical book on American Churchianity designed for small group discussion, click here.)

 

Youth Service Implodes When Student Pastor Forgets to Pray Real Quick

Youth Service Implodes When Student Pastor Forgets to Pray Real Quick

AUGUSTA, GA- When students attend The Awakening, the Wednesday night youth service at Journey Baptist Church, they usually receive a program full of blessings. But this past Wednesday night was a terrible exception.

“At first I thought it was demons,” said Jeremy Morris, a high school junior and one of three acoustic guitar players in the praise band. “There was so much feedback coming through the sound system, it killed my ears.”

The screeching feedback wasn’t the only mistake in the beginning of the service. Ashley Cantrell, the lead vocalist, started singing a new song but the words didn’t show up on the screen until halfway through the bridge.

“Everyone just stared at me,” said Cantrell. “It was like singing a solo, which is totally not why I’m up there.”

Student Pastor Dan “Big Stuff” Barnes, realized the problem when the audio on their video announcement for the upcoming DNOW weekend sounded like it was recorded in a gym locker room.

“It was all my fault,” said Barnes. “You’ll have a few hiccups in every service, but this was bad. And then I remembered: I didn’t gather all the leaders backstage to pray before the service.”

“Usually Big Stuff gets us all together like two minutes before we start and says ‘let’s pray real quick,’” said Cantrell. “But tonight, he just kept working on his sermon notes and let us tweak our inner ear monitors a little longer.”

The service officially crashed when Big Stuff’s big object lesson didn’t connect with the students.

“I worked all week on those red tearaway pants. I thought for sure the kids would get the atonement connection, but when I asked ‘Does this make sense?’ it was nothing but crickets. Usually they at least mumble.”

Big Stuff stopped the student service abruptly right then by saying, “Alright y’all, let’s just pray.”

Appropriately, the pizza afterwards was piping hot, rather than the usual room temp.

“Oh man,” laughed Barnes, “Lesson learned.”

--Matt O.

**To see exclusive work of mine, and to support my writing for only $5 a month, check out my Patreon page**

Ken Ham Completely Baffled as Creation Museum Evolves

Ken Ham Completely Baffled as Creation Museum Evolves

Petersburg, KY-  When Ken Ham opened his world famous museum, he counted on the world class exhibits educating visitors on the merits of young earth creationism. What he hadn't expected was the museum taking on a life of its own.

"In the beginning, we only had a few displays, but as God has blessed us with millions of visitors, the museum has expanded all by itself. It's a miracle!" exclaimed Ham.

"One day, you're in our modest planetarium watching the biblical case against aliens," he added, "And then wham, out of nowhere, you have pterodactyl zip-line adventures, a mining sluice that teaches geology, and a life-size replica of Noah's Ark. It all happened so fast, the only explanation is God!"

Donna Harper, his executive director of programming has another  explanation, however. "We grossly underestimated the amount of Christians with disposable income who use the Bible as a science book, so once we realized the demand, we adapted."

New exhibits aren't the only feature at the museum to confuse Ham.

"Every week, God supernaturally shrinks all our bushes and lowers our lawns," he said, standing in line to purchase a double cheeseburger in Noah's Cafe. "Every blade of grass is known by Him who made carbon dating so mysterious!"

Chet Givens, head of the museum's ground crew, offered a conflicting report. "I've told him a thousand times that it's not the Lord 'enshortening the lawn.' It's me. Me, a push mower, and a set of dodgy hedge clippers."

Deacon Wonders if Outreach Event Worth it When Just One Soul Saved

Deacon Wonders if Outreach Event Worth it When Just One Soul Saved

JOHNSON CITY, TN- Tensions ran high in Valley Ridge Community Church when the deacon in charge of the hot dog station questioned the results of their annual Block Party.

Herb Byers, no longer driving the tractor for the retired hayrides, said the new view from behind the weinie roaster gave him a fresh perspective on the evangelistic cornerstone of the church calendar.

“One salvation. That’s it this year. It seems to me if we spend all this money on clowns, pony rides, and what-not, there should be more than one kid raising his hand during the altar call,” he said.

The Block Party Planning Chairperson, Debbie Bolling, admitted salvation numbers were a bit low but it’s not really about the numbers. “We praise God for this one precious soul. And I’m praying he’s the next Billy Graham or Jim Elliot.”

Byers, however, wonders whether the allegedly saved child might actually still be lost. “During the altar call, I overheard a mom at the bouncy castle asking her children ‘who wants some cotton candy?’ For all we know, this kid was raising his hand for that question.”

Head Pastor Steve Givens wasn’t even dried off from his shift in the dunking booth before he declared the event the best ever, even with the lack of statistical repentance. “I don’t know why Herb is so fired up. The turnout was fantastic. Not one person went home without a door prize and we gathered a slew of new email addresses from the lawnmower raffle.” 

Herb Byers eventually left the party early and missed the mad scramble when the Spongebob piñata burst open.

“I feel bad for Herb,” said Larry Campbell, the elder in charge of the Block Party Petting Zoo. “He’s a good guy, but I don’t think he’s considered the cost of saving souls. These days, it’s gonna take more than a cake walk on the Romans Road."