Pastor Forgets He Wrestles Not Against Flesh and Blood, Choke Slams Rogue Deacon 

BUFORD, GA- The monthly Board meetings at Trinity Baptist church had a reputation for being heated, but this past Monday things got out of hand.

According to eyewitnesses, lifetime deacon Bud Wilkins started the trouble during a motion to approve the budget for the upcoming congregational meeting.

“It was the darnedest thing,” said Ken Hobson, head of the finance committee, “Pastor said, ‘all opposed?’ and just before he banged his gavel, Bud yelled out ‘NAY!’”

Pastor John Brooks, a former aspiring professional wrestler, took offense at Bud’s dissent and asked him to clarify.

Hobson says that’s when things escalated. “Bud came right out and said ten thousand dollars for forty new parking spaces was too dang much. Pastor John stood up and his folding chair went flying.”

“I kinda snapped,” said Pastor John. “Usually when I wrestle with the sins of the world, I’m in my prayer closet wearing a solid gold unitard…but when Bud hopped on my last nerve, I went back to my wrestling days. It felt like I took that ole devil hisself by the larynx.”

“Pastor busted out a vintage chokeslam,” said deacon Bobby Rotzberger. “He got him right under the chin. Good height, too, then boom, down on the table. Textbook.” 

Building and grounds deacon, Ron Neely, gave his own spiritual spin on the encounter. “Lift not a hand against the Lord’s anointed. Well, Bud did…and the Lord’s anointed lifted him up and brought him down. Hard.” 

Police were called to the scene but when it was clear the eight foot folding table had taken most of the force and prevented serious injury, Bud Wilkins declined to press charges. He’s still praying about forgiving his shepherd, however.

“It wouldn't have been so bad if Pastor hadn't whooped and straddled my head as he made a championship belt sign,” said Wilkins. 

Not surprisingly, the deacons weren’t unanimous on whether or not violence was an acceptable method of dealing with issues.

“The Apostle Paul is a little fuzzy on the specifics of spiritual warfare,” said Hobson. “Who says the fiery darts of the evil one aren’t just contrary people?”

“Jesus of Nazareth flipped tables in a temple. Pastor John of Trinity chokeslammed a deacon in a board meeting. I think we’re talking holy apples to holy apples here,” added Rotzberger.

--Matt O.

(For more Matt O. satire click here or to read his satirical book on American Churchianity designed for small group discussion, click here.)