The reclusive journalist Annabelle Farrow ended her extended media silence this week by emailing me her most recent interview, conducted in secret at an undisclosed location…
(If you’re unfamiliar with Annabelle’s work, click here)
Here's the email she sent me:
Apologies for not contacting you sooner, will explain later. With all the talk these days about the environment, I thought you might appreciate this interview. The subject is Michael Chaud, a man whose Christian faith dramatically impacts his work as a scientist. Enjoy.
Here is the transcript of the interview, printed in its entirety:
Annabelle Farrow (AF): Good morning, Michael—
Michael Chaud (MC): It’s Doctor.
AF: Apologies. Good morning, Dr. Chaud.
MC: Good morning to you. Thanks for granting me this interview. Anytime I can expose Christian science to the world, I leap at the opportunity.
AF: Let’s start there then. Many today feel that science and faith are in opposition to each other, that each has their own agenda and they can’t coexist together without one of them sacrificing their integrity.
MC: That’s a common fallacy, Annabelle. My faith influences everything I do in the laboratory.
AF: I see. Tell me what you’ve been studying in your labs.
MC: We’re very excited to report that we’ve figured out the cause of global warming.
AF: I’m pretty sure the causes have already been documented.
MC: Yes, by SECULAR scientists. We’re CHRISTIAN scientists.
AF: From your website info, I gathered your team was reluctant to agree that climate change was real.
MC: We’re reluctant to agree with secular science, for sure. How can you trust the same people that spend decades of their time landing satellites on moving comets halfway across the universe? The facts are undeniable. Our climate is heating up.
AF: It’s great to hear you state that clearly. Do you believe humans are the primary cause?
MC: Yes. And no.
AF: And no?
MC: Humans are responsible, but only the pagan ones.
AF: Are you saying Christians haven’t played a role in climate change?
AF: But christians drive cars too, and own factories, and—
MC: I don’t think those things are the cause.
AF: But scientific studies have shown—
MC: Again, secular science. They aren’t believers so you can’t trust their work.
AF: But we trust “pagan doctors” with delivering our babies. And “worldly mechanics” to fix our cars, don’t we?
MC: Sure. But they don’t have an agenda. Secular scientists have an agenda. They want to disprove God exists.
AF: That hardly seems like something you can apply the scientific method to.
MC: Nonetheless. That’s what they spend all their time doing.
AF: Doctor, what do you believe is causing climate change?
MC: Natural gas emissions.
AF: But some Christians use natural gas…
MC: No, I mean human produced natural gas.
AF: Are you talking about flatulence?
MC: Yes ma’am. Gas. Toots. Fluffs. Farts. Skunkbait. Booty coughs. Butt trumpets. Wind eggs. Barking spiders. Mud ducks. Air biscuits. Whatever you wanna call ‘em. They’re the cause.
AF: But…you do know that Christians pass gas as well?
MC: Of course we do. But our toots have been redeemed. Look, we totally understand talking about our natural gasses may make people feel uncomfortable, but we can’t just ignore truth because it’s not what we want to hear.
AF: Let’s start at the beginning. I want to hear your scientific progression to this startling conclusion.
MC: Yes! The beginning! That’s where we started too! In the beginning, in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were instructed not to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but when they did, everything changed. We believe that prior to their act of sin, human fluffs actually smelled good, probably like vanilla Christmas trees. The Fall is responsible for the stench created by our natural gas.
AF: There’s no way for you to know that.
MC: Not if we assume the fruit is an apple, as is commonly depicted. But what if the tree was actually a tall bush, because the garden is only like two weeks old and wouldn’t have had time to grow a full tree capable of producing an apple to eat…but a bush, of beans perhaps, that would be possible. And as we all know, the more of beans you eat, the more you toot.
AF: Are you referencing a children’s rhyme?
MC: Certainly. The magical fruit! Those songs contain many truths hidden in them. It makes sense and the science is solid! All of nature changed with the act of eating the forbidden beans. From that moment on, our fallen farts began to gather in the ozone. Think about it. Where does passed gas go? Using Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics, we know it just doesn't disappear. The cloud of corrupted methane has reached a critical mass, and we’re just now feeling the true effects of our sins.
AF: You seem to be using the Scriptures conveniently for your theories.
MC: Not at all. There are allusions to the truths of our theories all through the Bible. From the prophet Amos speaking of the stench in pagan nostrils, to the book of Revelation, where everything smells like sulfur, and then burns up, because why? Methane is highly flammable. Bowls of wrath could be a play on words with BOWELS of wrath. But most importantly, traditionally we’ve said that Jesus would come back ON the clouds, but in the Greek it could be translated THROUGH the clouds, which makes sense in our hypothesis.
AF: I’m not sure about that take.
MC: You should be. I clearly said, “in the Greek.”
AF: So what kind of research have you done to validate your theories?
MC: Our experiments are named the Gerber Jar Collections.
AF: Gerber jar collections?
MC: Yes. We collected samples of human produced methane over the course of one exhaustive weekend. Participants in the experiment camped out at a Golden Corral and were instructed to eat only stewed cabbage and boiled broccoli. In between gorge sessions, they were asked to pop their fluffies into lab-approved glass jars.
We used Gerber jars because they kept the ‘flavor’ in the best, too much sample leakage with your traditional collection devices such as Kool Whip containers and Tupperware.
After receiving all the data, we extrapolated the concentration of pagan gas against a strict statistical analysis of all unsaved people groups since the book of Genesis. We based our model of the damned by measuring the popular beliefs of those cultures against the most widely accepted doctrinal statements posted on the websites of today’s most influential churches. It became clear that the unchecked pattern of vile gasses by unrepentant humanity caused our current predicament.
AF: That sounds kind of science-y. Have any of your scientific peers reviewed and approved your work?
MC: If you mean secular peers, they’re welcome to review it as long as they don’t come in with their agenda of disproving God’s existence.
AF: How will you know if they come in with that agenda?
MC: If they disagree with our results.
AF: From what you’ve said earlier, I imagine they’ll disagree that Christians have toots that don't smell.
MC: It’s tough for prideful humans to come to grips with their own stink. Another result of the Fall.
AF: So does that mean that only non-Christians participated in the Gerber Jar Collections?
MC: We’re not sure. But the main thing is our test cases at the Golden Corral were all eating a very secular diet.
AF: How are vegetables a secular diet?
MC: Because it’s very popular and quite the fad these days to eat healthy. The pagan world is constantly shoving new diets and new nutritional statistics in our faces. They’ve made idols of their protein shakes and their Ninja blenders. Christians used to taste and see that the Lord was good, with our casseroles, our carbohydrates and whatnot. But so many of us have been duped into following the wisdom of the world.
AF: Eating healthy is the wisdom of the world?
MC: If it’s from the world and has the appearance of so-called wisdom, then yes, it qualifies as worldly wisdom. Which Paul strictly forbids in 1 Corinthians and elsewhere.
AF: What about Daniel and his comrades who seem to have been vegetarian?
MC: Ah yes, you see, that’s the point. They were being counter-cultural and obedient to God, and thus their food became blessed and sanctified. It’s when we follow the pagan deities of the Food Network, masquerading as angels of culinary light that our choices become evil and our gas turns on us.
AF: So if a bunch of pagan people extol the virtues of a specific food, it would be worldly of us to eat it?
MC: Exactly. And consequently make us bad stewards of the environment because we’d be committing heinous acts of gassery. Take for example, kale. According to our best estimates, fallen humanity now registers a solid 7.8 on the rectum scale since the introduction of the supposed super lettuce.
AF: Assuming I agree with your approach to science—
MC: You have to! People who say they’re Christians have to believe other people who say they’re Christians.
AF: —and assuming I agree with your lab results, what do you and your fellow Christians recommend we do about climate change?
MC: First of all, pagans need to repent, which will cause a dramatic dip in the stank factor of natural gasses, which will in turn, curb the rate of increase in global temperatures.
As for those of us who already have glorified air biscuits, we recommend guarding your large intestine and keeping it holy by avoiding healthy fruits and vegetables, at least while it’s still en vogue culturally.
We recommend substituting non-gassy nutritionally equivalent foods for the ones that give you the poofers. Instead of a bowl of grapes, perhaps a medium-sized can of Vienna sausages. That way when Jesus comes back, he won’t find you with your hand in the gluten-free cookie jar. He’s going to fix all this anyways, we just need to look good when he shows up.
AF: Any other words of advice?
MC: Look, it’s just a natural part of biology that the toothless one is going to speak. But we can control what it says. Don’t underestimate the power of a good potluck dinner with your neighbors.
AF: Thanks for your time, Dr. Chaud. By the way, what field did you receive your doctorate in?
MC: The bible college I attended bestowed an honorary doctorate of ministry on me for my extensive years of experience in short-term missions.
AF: So, you’re not really a scientist?
MC: Oh yeah, I am. I needed another job to help ends meet. Everything we do is legitimate. Look us up on Google.
AF: Just because you find something on Google, doesn’t mean it’s true.
MC: We’re on YouTube as well. Thousands of views.
AF: I’m starting to feel queasy.
MC: It’s probably gas.
(Notes: Apologies to the folks at BioLogos whose faith and science have been integrated with integrity in regards to both. Gerber is not an official sponsor of this blog. If you're having trouble smelling your own stink, you may want to check here.)