Church Kids Riot Over Mediocre VBS Theme

GREER, SC- Nine adults from Trinity Baptist Church are in stable condition after sustaining second degree burns during a riot at their annual Vacation Bible School.

“We thought we’d surprise the kids this year by doing our own theme,” said Becky Snyder, children’s director at Trinity. “It did not go well.”

“Pure horror,” said seven year old Dakota Dillon. “It was even worse than the Australian year when all our dads tried to talk like Crocodile Dundee.” 

“We centered on ‘truth’ as our key concept,” said Kelly Trenton, the worship leader of VBS. “We rewrote the words to Nothing Compares to U by Sinead O’Connor and named the whole theme ‘Nothing Compares to Truth.’ We knew it was slow but thought the power of the lyrics would draw the kids in.”

The team not only selected a slower theme song, but also opted to play off the phrase “the truth is plain to see” for their color scheme, which required no decorating of the church’s beige walls.

“Every year we look forward to a garish display of primary colors, but all we got this year was the khaki of absolute truth,” said Ariana Wilson, a 3rd grader. “What are our parents even tithing here for?”

The theme and color scheme didn’t connect but it was the plain as truth snacks of rice cakes and saltine crackers that incited the riots.

“After enduring the six minute theme song and a craft lacking popsicle sticks, we lost our junk at snack time,” said Connor Watkins, a 5th grader.

“The older kids started ripping heads off puppets,” said four year old Ethan Jacoby. “I treaded water in the baptistery until the EMS workers arrived.”

“We destroyed a piñata with our bare hands,” added Watkins. “It was filled with tiny hard candies that tasted like plastic.”

“It wasn’t a piñata,” said Snyder. “It was a stuffed black and white cow we called True Moo.”

The nine adults received their burns trying to win back the stash of glitter from a group of second graders armed with glue guns.

Eventually order was restored when the pastor’s wife arrived dressed as a clown and carrying trays of brightly colored finger jello.

Lacking enough volunteers, Snyder was forced to shut down the rest of the week. “We’re really bummed about it. The last night the kids were going to take lie detector tests with a real live lawyer. Would’ve been such a blast.”

--Matt O.